A look at my heart!

One of my friends once said, "I wish I could visit my own funeral." I laughed at her instantly and jokingly asked "why?" She went on to explain that if she could visit her own funeral, she could see who she has had an impact on in her life time. I was thinking about this conversation again tonight. Have I done anything in this life to help other people?  Right now- thinking about it, I feel like I haven't. So much more can be done.

Sometimes I think about the past...how my life used to be and then I think about it now?
I used to have so many people coming to me for advice, I used to have people want to talk to me all the time, now- I don't feel like that. I have a few close friends...but i don't feel that "need."
These people used to come to me with problems...things they wanted advice on. They knew my life was put together and so they wished for advice. Now- I guess they can see the stress I am going through and because of that they choose not to come to me. something needs to be done! but what

GROWING UP!

"Maybe this time, For the first time
Love won't hurry away
He will hold me fast
I'll be home at last
Not a loser, huh
anymore like the last time and the time before"

 I find myself singing this all the time. Its amazing! Its all about believing again, which i feel should be my goal for this week! 

 

 

Hide N seek

Hide n Seek!

(verse)

I close my eyes, and then count to three

Then look and search and see, if you’re hiding from me

You say your not, that’s clearly a lie

Your no where to be found, from here to the sky

(verse)

I still will look, until I find

The one, who got away, left me there on display

I search the sky, all down the street

The place I left out, he was all a long, the thing that beats

(chorus)

If this is hide and seek

When my eyes are closed

I have to trust you won’t leave me

Its just a game- in which you decided I’m the picture

And you’re the frame

(bridge)

Next time you decide to play, I’m the one who won’t stay

I’ll leave while you count to three, then you can go on a searching spree

playing it "cool" style!

So this week is the play it "cool" week. I have decided to try and live this life in a manner of "coolness." What does this mean?      Well, lately little things have been bugging/hurting me and normally I pounce right on them, telling the world why it bugs me but not this week. This week I am simply-cool.

"Does this bother you?!?!?!?!" random person in my head says to me!
"Nope. Its cool," said becca, back to that random person.

This is how I am going to make it through. I am going to put some control on my feelings...

here it goes!

A life over run!!!!

Tonight I was heading home from a long day of cleaning basements and acting out tragic Tales of friars! I went into this kinda shady gas station, gave the clerk ten dollars, and went back to my car. I then hopped in my car and drove away. It was about a mile down the road that I realized I never actually pumped the gas into my car! :P I turned around, sped (alot) back to the gas station and was relieved when the ten dollars hadn't been used up by some other costumer.

The other night my family and I sat down for a nice dinner. We then had many different conversations before landing on an important one, the one about my career choice. I have been having trouble deciding between early childhood edu.and cosmetology. I want to do cosmetology but the rest of my family wants me to do teaching. They think Teaching is a better paying job, which they are right but Cosmetology costs less and is something I can quit and pick up again through-out my life. I really wanted to take a church poll and have everyone else decide what I should do for the rest of my life. I find that some-how not happening!

Get to Know me!

So, I am a person of habit and routain. I hate when this changes or something happens that keeps something from happening. Every Sunday is nap day! Every Monday is Towle. Every Tuesday is babysitting. Wednesday is cleaning the barn. Thursday and Friday are always stay at home and work really hard on school. I do not mind if the days get flipped around but I like to know about it ahead of time. This is jst COD to a certain degree.

Next thing you should know about me is that I have a crazy imagination. I do. The closet down stairs has a spider that is 6 feet tall with blue razor sharp fangs!!! So be careful!   These are the things that make me, me. I won't change them and I won't let anyone walk in and try to change them!

Milk and Cookies

I have been listening to this song that has this amazing line and that line is this "Its the Elephant in the room and we pretend that we don't see it. Its the avalanche that looms above our heads and we don't believe it."     I love these lyrics. They are amazing. So many things in life are like this- We pretend were ok. We pretend things are better than they really are. Now please, don't just pretend I am a teenager that is over reacting. I do, do that, but not this time. This time I am trying to be serious with you. Is there an Elephant in your life, an avalanche that right there and you try to pretend its not? I know I have some.

This week one of my assignments for school is to write a reflection paper about a worldview. I have been thinking and thinking about my worldview and what that actually means and I came up with this, this will I am going to write my paper on. Our bodies hope and seek for a higher power, something that makes sense. This is could be the true God, false Gods, or materials but in the end, everyone knows they need something to believe in, something to hold on to... so when they realize the elephant in the room, it makes it not seem so bad since they have a bigger power to look up to. To protect. To love. To hold them!

whats the point?

Whats the point of writing a blog when hardly anyone reads it?
I  cant answer, I really don't know the answer.
My therapist said it was a good idea to write if it made me feel good so I will.

Today I cleaned the Barn (place where i work) for 5 hours. I am sitting here now feeling
like i broke me back, broke it right in half.

People ask me all the time "why I do not tell my life story?" Those that know it, know
that it could really help people out, but I guess I don't want to be seen as the girl who is
"weak" or be the girl that people "pity" so for a while longer...Ill keep it all inside.

Rated R Horror Film

Today has been officially the worst Towle day ever!

So last night I went to bed kinda upset about a few things and every time I go to bed upset, I
have a nightmare.
So the nightmare I had last night was beyond terrible. (Hence- the title of this post)
I was the nurse in the baby part of a hospital. My job was to watch these ten
little babies and keep them alive for the next 12 hour shift that I was on. After
everyone had left and it was just me, I saw this guy standing in the corner of my room.
I asked him to leave but when he didn't answer, I walked towards him. He beat me up and
then cut off my legs. I was still conscious but completely helpless. Then I watched and screamed
at him while he slowly cut up and ate all the little babies I was supposed to be protecting.

Can anyone say WOAH!?!?!?!

This week I was supposed to get a paper back that I knew without a shadow of a doubt
was a 100!!! Imagine my surprise when I got back a paper that was a C!!!! instead of an A+
like I was hoping.


Now- I am your typical girl... so all day I was worrying that my hair looked bad because
my roots are growing in and they do not look good at all.

Now a couple other little things happened that I am not going to bore you with... but truthfully-
today was really hard for me.

These are the times when I need some chocolate and a bubble bath. I may just go get those things
ready!

My life as a three yr old!!!

2 weeks ago 
2 weeks ago I was curling my hair and I burned my cheek. I got a huge read mark
and then for the next couple days i wore a big band aid over it with neosporin, to help
not get a scar. I felt like a three year old...because only three year olds get their faced burned
and have to wear a band aid to help it heal.

1 1/2 weeks ago
1 1/2 weeks ago I was heading to bed, just a normal night except mom had told me that I needed
to take the trash outside before I went to bed and I had not yet done it. I hate going outside late at
night. I am so very scared of being kidnapped or raped. So, I called someone. Just to talk to them for one minute (because thats how long it would take to put the trash outside) Yes- I am a three year old in an eighteen year olds body.

1 week ago
1 week ago I was trying to help out one of the students by helping them get their breakfast
made. One of the pans on the stove was in my way and so I decided to pick it up and just
move it. What i didn't know is that it had just been used. So I burned myself again...my entire
hand!!!!! I stuck it under cold water super quickly, then grabbed alot of ice and held that to my
hand for some time. That made me feel better...but for a while mom had to help me with certain stuff cause it just hurt to do them by myself. (can anyone say three year old)


Yesterday-
Mom and Renee every night sit down in front of the tv for like 2-3 hours and watch something
before they head to bed. Last night I wanted to watch something... so I started talking to them
about it. "I want to watch something...Its my turn, you guys have been watching something
every night for ever and ever!!!!"
My mom just stared at me, wide eyed.   "Why was she doing that," I thought?
And then I stopped and listened to my own whinny voice. I had turned into my three
year old self again. So I just turned around and went to bed.

You may look at me and see me, eighteen, but its not true. I also have a three
year old living inside me somewhere. Three year old me gets scared of snakes, the dark, and
taking the trash out. 

A rollar coaster!

The Bad!
So, for the last 3 months I have been looking and looking for a missions trip to go on this next summer.
I would LOVE to go to Africa and have it be for 2 months or a little more. I have been looking at places like Uganda, Kenya, and Swaziland. The hard thing is finding something that is perfect for me. I would be going by myself because I don't know any good friends who are interested in joining me. And so I keep searching, hoping to find the right missions trip but nothing is showing up

So the search goes on and on...

The Good!
School is going good. I actually get the classes. Yes, some of my teachers have monotone voices that make it hard to pay attention but thats the worst it gets.

The Bad!
I have alot of crazy stuff going on in life right now that I don't feel like pouring out on this blog yet.

The Good!
God is GOOD! 

saying it!

Wow!
How hard is this life? Flipping hard!

So for the last two weeks one of my friends has been trying to get me to say something and since
this place feels safe to me, im gonna say it. Im gonna do it!

I am not alright!

There- out in the open- exposed. Now the world knows... but I don't care. I am allowed to not
be okay. I am allowed to have a hard time!

A Powerful Romance

So recently I have been trying to stop watching so many romantic movies. I can see that it is slowly turning me into one of those girls with really high hopes for the men around me. I except so much from them, especially Noah and I hate that about myself.
Don't get me wrong- Noah (my boyfriend) can be super super romantic and I LOVE that about him, but I expect too much. I don't need a Lake House, a glass slipper, a romantic kiss to wake me from my slumber, or a mansion. Truthfully, all I need is a Best Friend to want to date me, to marry me, and to be with me forever!
This is a lesson I need to learn everyday...
Everyday I need to think- Is this what I really want or am I being like this because of some movie or fairy tale I hope to live out?

Just telling a simple story

So two weeks ago I watched the movie Precious. Can anyone say,"OH MY GOSH!!!"
This movie touched me beyond belief. People actually go thru all this stuff- that alone, blew
my mind into a million pieces but the thing that touched me the most was when everything was
terrible for this girl all the teacher said was, "Write."  Wow!
So thats what im doing- my story isn't as crazy or as hard as hers but its a story. In the end, all i can do is write it.

I love writing stuff down, actually.
I have a box full of old journals and I love spending time reading them and thinking about how i thought those days were rough...boy was i in for a shocker!!!!

My morals are alllll messed up!

Hi!

So- If you knew me- you would know that I am a young Christian girl who works at my church almost daily! You would also know that I just turned 18...
So thats where this story begins-
About three weeks ago I turned 18, after my birthday I realized I could finally go get my nose pierced, which is what i have been wanting to do for some time- so i sat down and had a long talk with my parents about it and I walked away, not being able to pierce my nose but my belly button. whhaaaaatttttt. How this happened, I am really not sure? Sure- having your belly button pierced would be cool to some people, but for me it was the nose that i really wanted done. I could go get it done, because I am 18...but thats not me. I am not rebellious in that sense....or am I?
Reasons behind my parents not wanting me to get my nose pierced is: everyone will stare at your nose aand not your face.
Reasons behind them being ok with my belly pierced: no one can see...
This situation keeps me thinking... be rebellious and get my nose done anyways...
Have nothing done for a while?
what......

Why is the Title "Baby Steps?"

Why is the title baby steps, you may ask?
The reason behind the title is- well- its a story!
I am the type of person that tends to panic about little things,
big things, and everything in between!!!!! One of my very good friends,
lets call her Rebekah (because thats her real name) :) well...anyways...
she knew this about me so she used to tell me "Baby Steps."
She said,"Stop thinking about the big picture but think about the now."
So here I am- a senior- about to make alot of really important decisions in my life
and i need to think... BABY STEPS!!!!